W. Shakespeare Jr.
Stratford-upon-Avon Academy for Awfully Pedant Writing
Despise me if I do not act in response of the writing that mine sorrowful eyes saw published in Current Revolution by thee, immoral Mr. Billings, in recent times. For I am touched in the depths of mine heart as a concise playwright of scientific account, and brave, valiant, courageous and gallant as I am (such a one do I profess myself), I must react with all my might. Be heaven my judge! For thou shouldst know that the most outstanding deeds of the most outstanding researchers bring forward the most outstanding discoveries. And such is their singular nature that they can not be explained by means of frivolous, flippant, utterly concise terms. Rather, the most talented pen amongst the laureate poets, the greatest of all bards would find no words to bring that warming light into the cold eyes of those that had not been initiated in their beauty. Tell’st me, oh, loutish fellow, out-tongue it: How willst thou put in plain words the magnitude and prominence of the truth, evidence and proof of the wonders that rule nature and life? Thee, Molecular Biologists that cast a name on all phenomena, thou who PCR everything, who read the secrets of life in disgusting gels as the augurs read on the entrails of sacrificed beasts. If you honestly believe that the facts that hold the truth can be said in less than 250 words, you are only half-right. And I still have two words to go, so... Fuck haikus.