Bush Jr., G.W. and Rumsfeld, D.
In-God-We-Trust Institute, Churchtown, USA
Creationism is a metahypothesis based on biblical texts and other evidence that confronts Darwinist trends supported by most Scientists. A common argument to refute Creationism is that it cannot be experimentally tested because of the inability to manipulate God’s might and will at the laboratory. However, many religious, spiritual and political leaders along History claim to have mastered God’s will and taken decisions under the support and supervision of the all-mighty Creator. Unfortunately, no detailed protocols have been left by these wise men, and those left, such as notebooks from the Spanish Inquisition and Bin Laden’s letters to his mother, are too obscure to be translated, so they cannot be used to provide experimental support for Creationism. Actually, most of these leaders focused their effort on demonstrating the destruction potential of divine power rather than to creating anything, as destruction is generally a more convincing experiment for the sceptical than creation. Since wielding God’s power is tricky, while we improve the appropriated techniques, we have performed various experiments that prove that the evolutionary hypotheses are wrong, and that the theory brought forward in “The Origin of Species” should not be given higher credit than the Old Testament. First, we took seven female monkeys and watched them closely. We provided them with gear meant for female humans, like lipstick and make up, and they ate such items. We did that every day for several years and they kept on doing the same, showing no behaviour that could demonstrate that they are evolving. Then we repeated the experiment with seven male monkeys, offering them football gear. These monkeys played finely with the ball from the very first day, but they did not seem to evolve intelligence. Then we mixed the female and male monkeys. They had sex all the time, shared the lipstick and make up for breakfast and did not play football that often anymore. When the offspring came they still looked like monkeys. A picture of Cristiano Ronaldo was at hand as a positive control for intelligence, but even after seven generations, no monkeys looked exactly like him. We believe that the same results would have been obtained if the experiment had been repeated seventy times seven. Next, we talked to several graduate students who were performing directed mutagenesis studies in a Molecular Biology laboratory. Their testimonies verified that the mutations came out only “upon God’s will”. Moreover, to prove that the origin of life on Earth could not happen without God’s instructions, we threw amino acids, sugars, phosphate and some other organic trash into a volcanic cone, prayed to God not to have the will to create anything there, and analyzed lava samples around the volcano by metagenomic and microscopic means. No signs of life were found in such material. Then we broke into Down House Darwin’s country home and found the collection of scissors with which he trimmed the beaks of similar birds to fake all his bullshit about adaptation.
Then, we excomulgated Mendel, the pea freak, for being suspicious of data manipulation and high treason to the Church values. To the weary question whether Adam and Eve had a belly button, well… Please stop bugging with that. Our paleontologists found their fossils in our excavations at Lost Paradise Place and there was absolutely no trace of belly button there!